The first thing that comes to mind is a relationship I had a few years ago. It was a good relationship-- it moved at a healthy pace physically and everything. Emotionally, however, it moved faster. We (the guy involved and I) got very close, and I (in retrospect) might have become a bit too attached. The relationship ended up dying in a really weird way. I'd never really felt like I could be 100% who I was in front of anyone my age. Because I felt so close and comfortable with this guy (I'll call him Bob), and because it was the first time I'd ever felt exactly that way around a boyfriend (or anyone), it was rough for me to have it end.
Since then, I've realized that I've had really bad luck with guys. I think that having such a good relationship end before I was ready for it to end may have put up some internal brick walls when it came to romance. I didn't really have a good relationship after that: little fling things here and there, nothing special or very long-lived. It was weird because I wanted to have companionship so badly, but I couldn't bring myself to let go and just let myself have it. I was holding every guy up to Bob's standards when, realistically, I would never actually find someone who was exactly like him- the world doesn't work that way. A lot of it was also that it felt so awful to get my heart broken the way it did, that I don't really trust other men not to do the same thing. Whenever I saw or thought about Bob, I felt that classic, butterflies in the stomach, heart pounding, lightheaded sensation. (one time, I was with my friend when I saw him after not having seen him for a while- I wasn't expecting to see him and my friend looked at me and thought I was going to pass out because my face had gone white as a sheet.) I kept wanting and trying to get back together with Bob, but we grew apart, and eventually, he became (at the risk of sounding cliché) the one that got away.
|What was until recently my outlook on the subject.|
When really, at this point, it's been long enough that I need to turn my finger around and point it at myself. I need to just let that relationship be something that was great that happened in the past, that I tried (and failed) to resurrect, and that I now need to move on from. With that mindset, I've gotten to the point where a real relationship no longer feels like a waste of time, but something that is worth my time. I'm breaking down my mental brick walls. So that's a start.